Laughs
- Free
Persuasive Essays
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
» He had only one
major publication.
» And it was in Hebrew.
» And it had no cited
references.
» And it wasn't published
in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
»And some even doubt
he wrote it himself.
» While it may be
true that he created the world, what has he done since?
» His cooperative
efforts have been quite limited.
» The scientific community
has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
»He never applied
to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
» When one experiment
went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
» When subjects didn't
behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted
them from the sample.
» He rarely came to
class, just told students to read the book.
» He had his son teach
the class.
» He expelled his
first two students for learning.
» Although there were
only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
» His office hours
were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
Lipstick!
There
is always a creative (and permanent) solution to any problem:
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was
faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That
was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would
press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little
lip prints.
Finally,
the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing
a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors
every day.
To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she
asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded
to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest
toilet and scrub the mirror.
Since
then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Why
did the chicken cross the road?
Famous
Peoples' Conjectures On Why the Chicken Crossed the Road
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's
the (censored) reason.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended
it.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken?
Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt
almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly
exaggerated.
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning
proprely. Ah canna work miracles, captain!
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and
obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign
was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious,
selbstverstaendlich.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect
in tranquility.
Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe
it was dreaming anyway.
Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken?
He's into that kind of thing, you know.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better
look at my legs, which thank goodness are good, dahling.
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points
of headlights.
Epicurus: For fun.
TS Eliot revisited: Do I dare to cross the road?
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other
side.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
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